Nihon n' on- 2

As mentioned before, the love/hate relationship with foreign culture in Japan can be summed-up by this old, but still amazing, website: Engrish. While the waters are muddied somewhat by the fact that products and photos from China (and to a lesser extent, Korea) are represented, the origins were tied very specifically to Japan.

Most of Engrish represents poor translations, misuse of loan words and a general 'devil may care' attitude- some of that is because use of non-native words make products look or sound 'cool.' Others represent a more vexing, lazy and arrogant, approach, one that implies that there is no need to have a native speaker check text before printing/manufacturing (though to be fair, that seems more a problem w/modern Chinese-made goods)...

Nihon n' on

I am a multi-interested nerd (like a polymath, only not awesome). Science, film, music and lots of other things have proven sources of research/fascination/procrastinating. One of the longest-standing areas of interest has been Japanese culture.

It is amazing to me that after centuries of feudalism (guaranteed by a series of policies handed-down from the Tokugawa Junta that restricted exposure to 'foreign' ideas and goods for most of the population- this lasted for more than 200 years) this tiny island nation modernized, survived a crushing defeat (that included the only wartime nuclear deployment in human history) and still came back as a major research and financial power.

One can easily argue that the path has been fraught and is still a work in progress (as a still mostly homogeneous society, treats some international influences as desirable and exotic while individuals can experience xenophobia that is overwhelming, and the police response to crime tends to be, 'must be gaijin'), the combination, and sometimes juxtaposition, of ancient and modern, indigenous and foreign makes for interesting stuff, including some amazing films.

But what is the mandate of this blog? Ah yeah, the bad, so here is the trailer to cinematic gold. From the opening moments of mumbled English(ish) V.O. and a knock-off of the theme from 'Live and Let Die' we learn about the deadly tools of Robogeisha including 'Tengu Milk' and the most feared of all- 'Fried Shrimp.' Yup, lots and lots of material there for someone to look at Japan and wonder WT everlivin' F? Well, um... see, in a country with Lobster vending machines, we may get some sense of the various directions the society is being pulled... but whoa, Nelly there is much, much more to come...

Watched on Fast Foward 2010- #1

Happy New Year one and all.

The holiday season brought many tidings of joy and goodness- it also offered opportunities to bear witness to awesome exercises in filmic badness. One in particular that stands out- Santa's Slay.

In case you are unfamiliar with the specific ouvre you are probably at least aware of the genre... the evil, bad and naughty version of Santa Claus; the unique spin here is that rather than simply being a mentally ill spree killer ala this guy (from the immortal, Silent Night, Deadly Night II), Santa is a demon. And by demon, of course we mean son of Satan, tricked into doing good for the children of Earth for 1000 years... and guess what?? (Shock, horror?!) the night the movie is set, Santa's 'contract' is up, which frees him to get back to killing (in gory ways whenever possible, though to his credit, he is sensitive enough to victims' religious beliefs to use celebratory/ritual objects in their murders, so if you started this movie wondering what Saul Rubinek's character, Mr. Green, would look like impaled on a menorah, the filmmakers were considerate enough to just go ahead and show us, aw, thanks Santy!).

It is hard to imagine quite how this was envisioned- as a star vehicle for a former WWE personality (Goldberg), a spoof of killer Santa movies, an opportunity to see Robert Culp again (I Spy reunion show and reruns of this not withstanding), something(s) else, or a combination... the good news, it doesn't matter. The net effect is of a campy gorefest. If you dig that kinda thing, this will be for you... if not, er... well, yeah.

WoFF-Big Stan

After going for a couple of weeks of finding very little that seemed postworthy, the bad is back in a big way...

Rob Schneider- you pretty much know what you are getting with one of his movies. Yeah, it'll be scatological and dumb, but at least there will be lots of cringe-inducing humor. The formula that worked for him was that he was essentially playing 'straight man' to a cast of larger-than-life characters- though he was often not the brightest bulb in the fixture, his sweetness and will to do good won the day. Not Oscar-contending, but one knew what to expect. Then, this came along.

Big Stan features a cast of recognizable (and/or great character) actors- David Carradine, Jennifer Morrison, Sally Kirkland, M. Emmet Walsh, Richard Kind, Marcia Wallace, Dan Haggerty (yup, Grizzly Adams), Jim Cody Williams, Brandon T. Jackson (Tropic Thunder's Alpha Chino) and others. Solid enough, thought I, but as I recently discovered in another film, cast is not enough.

The departure in this begins in the first scene- Schneider's character is a self-involved huckster, one who preys on the elderly. When he is sentenced to be punished by the state for crimes that he committed (willingly), he contrives a way to prevent harm to his person- hilarity ensues, or would, except that... it just doesn't.

While one can level many complaints about this film, the most glaring is that 'rape' is used as a both set-up and punch-line. It is used so often, one almost becomes inured to it, but from the moment Stan is sentenced, it feels like there isn't a single scene in which it is not referenced or said outright- statistics* prove that this has the greatest concentration of the word 'rape' ever used in a film. Yeah, so, what if you don't find that funny? Then the well is dry- fear of (or reference to) prison violation motivates most scenes... yeah, really not much here other than 'rape' jokes.

I guess it does bear mention that in addition to actors, this movie also features some MMA (Bob Sapp, Randy Couture, Don Frye, etc.) and notable traditional martial arts practitioners (Guru Dan Inosanto... why?!?) who do pretty well for themselves as actors, but nothing could have been done to save such a one-note movie. While I was personally never a big fan of David Carradine's, it is sad to think that this was one of his last completed films...

Anyways, this deserves some new rating system, but apathy has come to claim me... help. Oh no. Eeek. Until next time-

I remain,

Ashida Kimchee

*a completely made-up number from the Journal of StA Research Laboratory, based on a sampling of 1 film and our opinion.

Some (pre) Holiday cheer- Turkish Star Wars

After a rough couple of months, what is the ideal way to kick back, relax and de-stress? Well, there is only one right answer: Find something awful to watch. Not just 'bad', not, 'that's 2 hours I'm never gonna get back', but so bad that it is painful, while oddly compelling... If you are like me, combine it with Star Wars (not the prequel trilogy, making fun of those are like shooting fish in a barrel) and you have something more awesome than even the "Star Wars Holiday Special" (you're welcome, by the way, for that link).

Hmm, but what will take it to the next level? What can we do to make... aha! StA Labstm were almost destroyed by this one (and, it is also available for free on the interwebs... damn yo, two for two).

A note of preparation:

...

Er... when a man and a woman love each other very mu... nope, not that one... there really just isn't any preparation that can be done... just feast your eyes unto the production known as, "The Man Who Saves the World (or, Turkish Star Wars)."

At various points you may find yourself asking, 'how can they have crammed so much spectacle into only one film?!?!', or, 'how can we (me mates) make a movie so filled with the good?' I say, leave it to the professionals- this level of cobbling together disparate elements, musical scores from all over the place, and a 'plot' that is certainly... something, don't even try to make art like this... it'll just end in tears (film that though). Enjoy the show.

Another WoFF

So, yeah... well, um, this is awkward... you never called, and I just assumed that... um, yeah, great, no, I'm doing well, how about you? That's... what, oh, I'm sorry, I have another call coming in... we'll go to lunch or something though, okay? Yeah, alright. No, thanks for calling- it was totally unexpected... yeah, just E-mail me. Sorry, you know how things get with ex's... wow, that felt like it was just going to keep going on... if I hadn't stopped it, that 'conversation' would have gone on forever... what, oh, sorry, wrong blog.

Okay, well, reacting to criticism that I've been focusing too much on awful 'martial' stuff, back to Watched on Fast Forward- still not the ties for worst movie ever made (writing that has proven too great a strain)- no, this is Rumor Has It. Okay, technically speaking, this isn't in the spirit of the blog for two reasons:

1) I went in expecting for it to not suck (given the cast and Rob Reiner @in the director's chair)

2) I bought the DVD (sight unseen), so much for cheap fun at the expense of others.

Okay, so Jennifer Aniston... Shirley MacLaine... Kevin Costner (still to date, best seen in Silverado, an unheralded classic of a modern Western), Marc Ruffalo, Mena Suvari, Richard Jenkins (how long is this guy gonna toil in relative obscurity... he's fricken awesome in everything) and some other folks.

The basic story- Jennifer Aniston's character lives in New York with her fiance . Returning to Pasadena (a town in which she has always felt out of place) for the wedding of her sister, she begins to wonder if 'The Graduate' is based on her family's story and if she is not the love-child of the 'other man.' Now, she will stop at nothing (including the prolonged, Peckinpah-inspired shoot-out at the en... sorry, wishful thinking) to find the truth.

Why did I think that this was a good idea? I dunno, but it wasn't. The list of complaints run pretty deep, without going into each and every one... this movie was released in 2005 but set in 1997... oh that nostalgia I feel for last week (if anything, seeing brickphones and other 'dating' set dressing created cognitive dissonance, did not evoke an era... of only 7 years before...), the foolish decisions made by the main character, the fact that for anything approaching humor is really only when Shirley MacLaine is onscreen- scratch that, they did mine the superfunny, laugh-a-minute vein of comedy gold known as, 'did I just commit incest?!?!' That's a knee-slapper alright.

In short, I debated posting this because:

1) It meant admitting that I'd seen it

2) It isn't even quite bad enough to recommend, it just isn't good

3) I hate to beat-up on R.R... After This is Spinal Tap, When Harry Met Sally and Princess Bride, he should be allowed some clunkers, but sewiouswy, when do we get some good output from him again?

Ugh, just, if you see this on a store shelf, and vaguely remember some buzz about it and figure'with that cast, how bad could it be? Hell, I'll plunk down $3. for it'- don't. Run. It might save your life.

Badness on the Web - a quickie

What is awesome? We here at the StA Research Laboratories spend a frightening amount of time devoted to just that question. This week we have found some genuinely good things, and some bad too- this ain't the worst, but dang, its bad.

Lots of things, are confusing about this submission, the weapons-use is deplorably sloppy and the taijutsu techniques are almost adequate (not spectacularly made of suck but not complete fraud level either). So what, you may be asking, does make it rise to the level of 'Awesomely bad'? Well, this one has a couple of things going for it:

1) Aikido (yes, I just linked to Wiki... if you don't like it- suck it, orphan!tm) experienced lots of changes over Ueshiba Morihei Sensei's teaching career, and while he was a certified bad-ass, especially in the 1930's (before his revelatory experience or, er... 'golden shower' in the garden), folks came to him to learn how to fight. Even so, it was never branded 'combat' anything. Why? Because... that would have been/is fricken stoopid. Yoshinkan doesn't call it that... nuff said.

2) The brain-hurting cognitive dissonance delivered by each of these words with the next, let alone the whole phrase: Christian Combat Aikido.

3) The capper- you can receive a 'black belt' for just a $79 video. Examinations (submitted via DVD) then cost $500, unless you meet some requirements in which case it'll be just a hair under half that... go team.

So where can you learn all of this and more? Please to be in following of this link and take the next step in evoluti... er, natural design.