WoFF-Big Stan

After going for a couple of weeks of finding very little that seemed postworthy, the bad is back in a big way...

Rob Schneider- you pretty much know what you are getting with one of his movies. Yeah, it'll be scatological and dumb, but at least there will be lots of cringe-inducing humor. The formula that worked for him was that he was essentially playing 'straight man' to a cast of larger-than-life characters- though he was often not the brightest bulb in the fixture, his sweetness and will to do good won the day. Not Oscar-contending, but one knew what to expect. Then, this came along.

Big Stan features a cast of recognizable (and/or great character) actors- David Carradine, Jennifer Morrison, Sally Kirkland, M. Emmet Walsh, Richard Kind, Marcia Wallace, Dan Haggerty (yup, Grizzly Adams), Jim Cody Williams, Brandon T. Jackson (Tropic Thunder's Alpha Chino) and others. Solid enough, thought I, but as I recently discovered in another film, cast is not enough.

The departure in this begins in the first scene- Schneider's character is a self-involved huckster, one who preys on the elderly. When he is sentenced to be punished by the state for crimes that he committed (willingly), he contrives a way to prevent harm to his person- hilarity ensues, or would, except that... it just doesn't.

While one can level many complaints about this film, the most glaring is that 'rape' is used as a both set-up and punch-line. It is used so often, one almost becomes inured to it, but from the moment Stan is sentenced, it feels like there isn't a single scene in which it is not referenced or said outright- statistics* prove that this has the greatest concentration of the word 'rape' ever used in a film. Yeah, so, what if you don't find that funny? Then the well is dry- fear of (or reference to) prison violation motivates most scenes... yeah, really not much here other than 'rape' jokes.

I guess it does bear mention that in addition to actors, this movie also features some MMA (Bob Sapp, Randy Couture, Don Frye, etc.) and notable traditional martial arts practitioners (Guru Dan Inosanto... why?!?) who do pretty well for themselves as actors, but nothing could have been done to save such a one-note movie. While I was personally never a big fan of David Carradine's, it is sad to think that this was one of his last completed films...

Anyways, this deserves some new rating system, but apathy has come to claim me... help. Oh no. Eeek. Until next time-

I remain,

Ashida Kimchee

*a completely made-up number from the Journal of StA Research Laboratory, based on a sampling of 1 film and our opinion.

Some (pre) Holiday cheer- Turkish Star Wars

After a rough couple of months, what is the ideal way to kick back, relax and de-stress? Well, there is only one right answer: Find something awful to watch. Not just 'bad', not, 'that's 2 hours I'm never gonna get back', but so bad that it is painful, while oddly compelling... If you are like me, combine it with Star Wars (not the prequel trilogy, making fun of those are like shooting fish in a barrel) and you have something more awesome than even the "Star Wars Holiday Special" (you're welcome, by the way, for that link).

Hmm, but what will take it to the next level? What can we do to make... aha! StA Labstm were almost destroyed by this one (and, it is also available for free on the interwebs... damn yo, two for two).

A note of preparation:

...

Er... when a man and a woman love each other very mu... nope, not that one... there really just isn't any preparation that can be done... just feast your eyes unto the production known as, "The Man Who Saves the World (or, Turkish Star Wars)."

At various points you may find yourself asking, 'how can they have crammed so much spectacle into only one film?!?!', or, 'how can we (me mates) make a movie so filled with the good?' I say, leave it to the professionals- this level of cobbling together disparate elements, musical scores from all over the place, and a 'plot' that is certainly... something, don't even try to make art like this... it'll just end in tears (film that though). Enjoy the show.

Another WoFF

So, yeah... well, um, this is awkward... you never called, and I just assumed that... um, yeah, great, no, I'm doing well, how about you? That's... what, oh, I'm sorry, I have another call coming in... we'll go to lunch or something though, okay? Yeah, alright. No, thanks for calling- it was totally unexpected... yeah, just E-mail me. Sorry, you know how things get with ex's... wow, that felt like it was just going to keep going on... if I hadn't stopped it, that 'conversation' would have gone on forever... what, oh, sorry, wrong blog.

Okay, well, reacting to criticism that I've been focusing too much on awful 'martial' stuff, back to Watched on Fast Forward- still not the ties for worst movie ever made (writing that has proven too great a strain)- no, this is Rumor Has It. Okay, technically speaking, this isn't in the spirit of the blog for two reasons:

1) I went in expecting for it to not suck (given the cast and Rob Reiner @in the director's chair)

2) I bought the DVD (sight unseen), so much for cheap fun at the expense of others.

Okay, so Jennifer Aniston... Shirley MacLaine... Kevin Costner (still to date, best seen in Silverado, an unheralded classic of a modern Western), Marc Ruffalo, Mena Suvari, Richard Jenkins (how long is this guy gonna toil in relative obscurity... he's fricken awesome in everything) and some other folks.

The basic story- Jennifer Aniston's character lives in New York with her fiance . Returning to Pasadena (a town in which she has always felt out of place) for the wedding of her sister, she begins to wonder if 'The Graduate' is based on her family's story and if she is not the love-child of the 'other man.' Now, she will stop at nothing (including the prolonged, Peckinpah-inspired shoot-out at the en... sorry, wishful thinking) to find the truth.

Why did I think that this was a good idea? I dunno, but it wasn't. The list of complaints run pretty deep, without going into each and every one... this movie was released in 2005 but set in 1997... oh that nostalgia I feel for last week (if anything, seeing brickphones and other 'dating' set dressing created cognitive dissonance, did not evoke an era... of only 7 years before...), the foolish decisions made by the main character, the fact that for anything approaching humor is really only when Shirley MacLaine is onscreen- scratch that, they did mine the superfunny, laugh-a-minute vein of comedy gold known as, 'did I just commit incest?!?!' That's a knee-slapper alright.

In short, I debated posting this because:

1) It meant admitting that I'd seen it

2) It isn't even quite bad enough to recommend, it just isn't good

3) I hate to beat-up on R.R... After This is Spinal Tap, When Harry Met Sally and Princess Bride, he should be allowed some clunkers, but sewiouswy, when do we get some good output from him again?

Ugh, just, if you see this on a store shelf, and vaguely remember some buzz about it and figure'with that cast, how bad could it be? Hell, I'll plunk down $3. for it'- don't. Run. It might save your life.