WoFF-Big Stan

After going for a couple of weeks of finding very little that seemed postworthy, the bad is back in a big way...

Rob Schneider- you pretty much know what you are getting with one of his movies. Yeah, it'll be scatological and dumb, but at least there will be lots of cringe-inducing humor. The formula that worked for him was that he was essentially playing 'straight man' to a cast of larger-than-life characters- though he was often not the brightest bulb in the fixture, his sweetness and will to do good won the day. Not Oscar-contending, but one knew what to expect. Then, this came along.

Big Stan features a cast of recognizable (and/or great character) actors- David Carradine, Jennifer Morrison, Sally Kirkland, M. Emmet Walsh, Richard Kind, Marcia Wallace, Dan Haggerty (yup, Grizzly Adams), Jim Cody Williams, Brandon T. Jackson (Tropic Thunder's Alpha Chino) and others. Solid enough, thought I, but as I recently discovered in another film, cast is not enough.

The departure in this begins in the first scene- Schneider's character is a self-involved huckster, one who preys on the elderly. When he is sentenced to be punished by the state for crimes that he committed (willingly), he contrives a way to prevent harm to his person- hilarity ensues, or would, except that... it just doesn't.

While one can level many complaints about this film, the most glaring is that 'rape' is used as a both set-up and punch-line. It is used so often, one almost becomes inured to it, but from the moment Stan is sentenced, it feels like there isn't a single scene in which it is not referenced or said outright- statistics* prove that this has the greatest concentration of the word 'rape' ever used in a film. Yeah, so, what if you don't find that funny? Then the well is dry- fear of (or reference to) prison violation motivates most scenes... yeah, really not much here other than 'rape' jokes.

I guess it does bear mention that in addition to actors, this movie also features some MMA (Bob Sapp, Randy Couture, Don Frye, etc.) and notable traditional martial arts practitioners (Guru Dan Inosanto... why?!?) who do pretty well for themselves as actors, but nothing could have been done to save such a one-note movie. While I was personally never a big fan of David Carradine's, it is sad to think that this was one of his last completed films...

Anyways, this deserves some new rating system, but apathy has come to claim me... help. Oh no. Eeek. Until next time-

I remain,

Ashida Kimchee

*a completely made-up number from the Journal of StA Research Laboratory, based on a sampling of 1 film and our opinion.

Some (pre) Holiday cheer- Turkish Star Wars

After a rough couple of months, what is the ideal way to kick back, relax and de-stress? Well, there is only one right answer: Find something awful to watch. Not just 'bad', not, 'that's 2 hours I'm never gonna get back', but so bad that it is painful, while oddly compelling... If you are like me, combine it with Star Wars (not the prequel trilogy, making fun of those are like shooting fish in a barrel) and you have something more awesome than even the "Star Wars Holiday Special" (you're welcome, by the way, for that link).

Hmm, but what will take it to the next level? What can we do to make... aha! StA Labstm were almost destroyed by this one (and, it is also available for free on the interwebs... damn yo, two for two).

A note of preparation:

...

Er... when a man and a woman love each other very mu... nope, not that one... there really just isn't any preparation that can be done... just feast your eyes unto the production known as, "The Man Who Saves the World (or, Turkish Star Wars)."

At various points you may find yourself asking, 'how can they have crammed so much spectacle into only one film?!?!', or, 'how can we (me mates) make a movie so filled with the good?' I say, leave it to the professionals- this level of cobbling together disparate elements, musical scores from all over the place, and a 'plot' that is certainly... something, don't even try to make art like this... it'll just end in tears (film that though). Enjoy the show.

Another WoFF

So, yeah... well, um, this is awkward... you never called, and I just assumed that... um, yeah, great, no, I'm doing well, how about you? That's... what, oh, I'm sorry, I have another call coming in... we'll go to lunch or something though, okay? Yeah, alright. No, thanks for calling- it was totally unexpected... yeah, just E-mail me. Sorry, you know how things get with ex's... wow, that felt like it was just going to keep going on... if I hadn't stopped it, that 'conversation' would have gone on forever... what, oh, sorry, wrong blog.

Okay, well, reacting to criticism that I've been focusing too much on awful 'martial' stuff, back to Watched on Fast Forward- still not the ties for worst movie ever made (writing that has proven too great a strain)- no, this is Rumor Has It. Okay, technically speaking, this isn't in the spirit of the blog for two reasons:

1) I went in expecting for it to not suck (given the cast and Rob Reiner @in the director's chair)

2) I bought the DVD (sight unseen), so much for cheap fun at the expense of others.

Okay, so Jennifer Aniston... Shirley MacLaine... Kevin Costner (still to date, best seen in Silverado, an unheralded classic of a modern Western), Marc Ruffalo, Mena Suvari, Richard Jenkins (how long is this guy gonna toil in relative obscurity... he's fricken awesome in everything) and some other folks.

The basic story- Jennifer Aniston's character lives in New York with her fiance . Returning to Pasadena (a town in which she has always felt out of place) for the wedding of her sister, she begins to wonder if 'The Graduate' is based on her family's story and if she is not the love-child of the 'other man.' Now, she will stop at nothing (including the prolonged, Peckinpah-inspired shoot-out at the en... sorry, wishful thinking) to find the truth.

Why did I think that this was a good idea? I dunno, but it wasn't. The list of complaints run pretty deep, without going into each and every one... this movie was released in 2005 but set in 1997... oh that nostalgia I feel for last week (if anything, seeing brickphones and other 'dating' set dressing created cognitive dissonance, did not evoke an era... of only 7 years before...), the foolish decisions made by the main character, the fact that for anything approaching humor is really only when Shirley MacLaine is onscreen- scratch that, they did mine the superfunny, laugh-a-minute vein of comedy gold known as, 'did I just commit incest?!?!' That's a knee-slapper alright.

In short, I debated posting this because:

1) It meant admitting that I'd seen it

2) It isn't even quite bad enough to recommend, it just isn't good

3) I hate to beat-up on R.R... After This is Spinal Tap, When Harry Met Sally and Princess Bride, he should be allowed some clunkers, but sewiouswy, when do we get some good output from him again?

Ugh, just, if you see this on a store shelf, and vaguely remember some buzz about it and figure'with that cast, how bad could it be? Hell, I'll plunk down $3. for it'- don't. Run. It might save your life.

Badness on the Web - a quickie

What is awesome? We here at the StA Research Laboratories spend a frightening amount of time devoted to just that question. This week we have found some genuinely good things, and some bad too- this ain't the worst, but dang, its bad.

Lots of things, are confusing about this submission, the weapons-use is deplorably sloppy and the taijutsu techniques are almost adequate (not spectacularly made of suck but not complete fraud level either). So what, you may be asking, does make it rise to the level of 'Awesomely bad'? Well, this one has a couple of things going for it:

1) Aikido (yes, I just linked to Wiki... if you don't like it- suck it, orphan!tm) experienced lots of changes over Ueshiba Morihei Sensei's teaching career, and while he was a certified bad-ass, especially in the 1930's (before his revelatory experience or, er... 'golden shower' in the garden), folks came to him to learn how to fight. Even so, it was never branded 'combat' anything. Why? Because... that would have been/is fricken stoopid. Yoshinkan doesn't call it that... nuff said.

2) The brain-hurting cognitive dissonance delivered by each of these words with the next, let alone the whole phrase: Christian Combat Aikido.

3) The capper- you can receive a 'black belt' for just a $79 video. Examinations (submitted via DVD) then cost $500, unless you meet some requirements in which case it'll be just a hair under half that... go team.

So where can you learn all of this and more? Please to be in following of this link and take the next step in evoluti... er, natural design.

Badness on the Web #2

Quick admission, I am a fanboy of the 'cult of Japanese swords.' I find them pleasing to look at, marvel that the lousy natural materials available could be turned into a tool of this kind, and quite enjoy watching chanbara and jidai geki swordplay*. They weren't the 'ultimate weapon', but they are attractive, and some ingenious methods of use sprung-up from the 15th to 19th centuries.

So of course, watching the refined kenjutsu (sword tactics) of Tenshinsho-den Katori Shinto Ryu, the sublime Kuroda Bugei, or the surprisingly subtle (if odd at first blush) Jigen Ryu on youtube is an awesome gift. But that is not what brings us here today, is it? You can find good stuff on your own- you come to me to find the awful, and I don't want to disappoint.

So here are three nuggets to whet the appetite:

1) This young man was taught wrong and now wants to share it in this 'instructional video' from Expert village. Here is a dirty little secret- just because you train in 'karate' does not mean that you know the first thing about how to use weapons, so what in the world makes people feel competent to teach 'em?!?!- Swords, spears, etc. (ya know, not 'repurposed farming implements...) have their own internal logic and what is shown here does not reflect safe practice at all. In particular, this notion of 'blocking' is, well, dumb. Why would you 'block' a cut, rather than countering? That and the piss-poor uchitachi (with the wrong hand on top), and his unforgivable lower body work... ah well, we're all young once, ne?

2) Some lads enjoying themselves 'sparring'... dangerous, stupid and not a good idea to do w/bokuto... oh, and it's bad too. Enjoy these two (one of whom never received the memo about which hand goes on top... a critical bit of information). Music is rockin' (in 1984) and the name of the school mixes kunyomi and onyomi (yawara and do don't mix- yawara [no] michi, or judo, sorry, try again).

3) Lest it look like I'm only beating-up on only males, here is a girl doing... something with a naginata... yes folks with 20 - 60 # of armor, you too would do chest-height kicks, yeah? Kime? Not important. Loads of 'kiai' at inappropriate times? Check.

Before anyone wonders why I'd go and get my knickers in a twist over use of weapons that have been out of vogue for a long, long time- outmoded by much more efficient tools for destroying each other- let me say this: outside of preserving extant arts, why do swordwork at all? Yeah, they are cool, but what is the point? Co-opt something else, but when you extrapolate modern rationales for combat that we can't test, the whole thing is an exercise in redonkulous....

I have deliberately not put the worst here to start... we gotta save something for later... why buy the cow and all that.

Peace unto all.

*Yeah, I know, the sword was never a 'first' weapon on the battlefield, yes, I know, kyu ba no michi... uh-huh, spears, and naginata, bow and horse before the introduction of the harquebus by the Dutch in the 1500's... M'kay, the role of the sword didn't take primacy until after massed warfare had ended, then became a 'gentleman's dueling weapon', just like everywhere else in the world... dang, killjoy.

Badness on the Web #1

Part, clearly my favorite, of what one group of friends does involves finding bad footage (often of combative arts) and sharing. Thankfully sharing sites have democratized the production and display of lots of amateur footage, lots of it amazing, some, for not the right reasons.

A couple of important notes-

1) Just 'cause I think it is silly, doesn't mean jack. Most of what I do is ridiculous looking. That said, fraud is fraud, but more often than not for these, we'll be highlighting dangerous/stupid displays. Just because your video appears here doesn't mean that I would want to scrap, just that I don't wanna be you when I grow up, m'kay?

2) As both a student of this stuff and a videographer, there will have to be some choices made about aesthetics... sorry, just the way it is.

Here is a beaut-

'Grandmaster' Stefano Surace- a self-appointed 10th dan (degree black belt). Jujutsu can take many forms, from ethereal, fake looking, to pleasing rough and tumble... this isn't anywhere on that spectrum, just ugly. Brute force taking the place of finesse or technique? Seems an appropriate place to begin this part of our adventure. Without further ado, please enjoy this youtube link.

Watched on Fast Forward

Opps, just a bit of housecleaning- this premise is straightforward, find a 'free' film and FF through it. In lots of cases you can make it through most of the movie, only needing to stop at moments that seem full of portent. Some though, are so godawful, I have been compelled to rewatch the whole thing, soup to nuts. Multiple times. And share. The next Watched on Fast Forward will be on one of these.

Watched on Fast Forward #1

Okay, with that out of the way, some movie 'recommendations'-

Ninja Vengeance (1988 available On-demand for those w/Comcast)- first actual post has to start with this bit of the lovely. For those of us who fondly remember the Sho Kosugi movies of that era and expect same from this based on title and production dates alone... not quite, unfortunately, the title is rather misleading. There are clear connections, the most marked- denizens of this movie are so acting averse it can only be the 80's, and a ninja movie.

Although featuring Stephen K. Hayes via flashback/training montage sequences in what feels a series of mash notes to the bearded, black-clad one- the bulk of this piece (probably written and produced by students of Hayes') revolves around one lone 'ninja' (with a penchant for rolling) who due to mishap, ends-up in a little town with a huge (at least proportionally) KKK presence and corrupt yet inept police department. So this young feller happens into town and witnesses a murder and befriends a woman who was close to the victim. Okay, so far, so good, yeah? Uh, No. This can't seem to make up its mind: is it a Nice Guy (with secret super abilities) Pushed Too Far action film? A meditation on the role of 'martial arts' student in modern society*? A request for tolerance and decency? None of the above really, not by a stereotypically racist, backward country mile...

So where were we? Oh yeah, so, Our 'hero' (if that word translated from Greek means, 'one who rolls') goes on the lam with his 'woman friend.' The people responsible for this murder must be brought to justice, and who else can do it? Hint- not the main character. Can he take a beating? Heck yeah, he can even roll a lot while doing it. Can he dish one? ...well, this is part of the problem. The kanji (Japanese characters) shinobi means to 'endure hardship'. Nothing about being able to fight; this is a good thing because with few exceptions, he gets chased and beaten, but a least there is lots of rolling.

There was nothing convincing about any portion of this movie, not the acting or the motivations of the individual characters to do the things that they did, with one exception- I believed that the protagonist needed to roll. 100% sold, signed, sealed and delivered.

I don't wanna rate this film, but it was bad enough to watch in FF while not quite hilariously bad enough to be actually watchable (that said, the experience may be enhanced greatly with the creation of a drinking game... I'm thinking drink every time the hero gets hit or rolls, golly, good times).

So why start with a review of a 'should miss'? 'Cause that's how I roll, beetches. Seriously though, when you can watch a movie for free, in fast forward, reducing the experience from 1.5 hours to just under 24 minutes and still get it the whole thing with time left over to actually work, life's pretty good.

*Let's just go OT for a moment. Any movie that highlights combative arts is bound to go for style over substance- informed viewers have to go in with a willingness to suspend disbelief about some stuff. It is also refreshing to see little bits of philosophy injected into stories (provided it isn't so hamfisted or wrong as to be embarrassing). The producers of this film go out of their way to offer the overly romantic 'ninja' (read: Takamatsuden-as-filtered-through-SKH) philosophy, to the point of silliness.

Welcome, weary traveler

New blog- great, just what the web needs, another snarky, over-opinionated jerk hiding behind his keyboard... yeah, well, here it is anyway.

The Grand Vision for this blog is simple- I have a propensity for finding things that are bad; movies, writing, etc. I am also unemployed (which has increased the amount of time one has to look for terrible things online exponentially). Now you may be saying to yourself, WTF? Why should I peek in on this timesink? Other than offering some humor, I dunno.

In closing, many folks encounter badness, but I look for it, revel in it and garner such a deep and abiding satisfaction from sharing, it may border on pathological- let me help you find the things that you didn't know you didn't want to see... no wait... er... or some such...