Badness on the web #8- Take that, Science!!

Hear ye, hear ye.

Disclaimer:

One would hate to see this blog enter the ugly waters of debates over high and low culture, the merits of science versus religion or the like /disclaimer.

That said, sometimes, I see something that so awesomely leaves the realm of rhetoric that one must respect the sheer insanity of it. This Op Ed below bears the hallmarks, not so much of bad argument (though the straw men, appeals to authority and reasoning by analogy are clearly present), as it just plum this brings into question the ability of the author to reason... at any rate, please enjoy this bit o' the lovely:

Hint: when a cat walking on a keyboard can be as effective as a human typing 'thoughts' in the "composing correspondence that makes a lick of sense" Olympics, it may be time make some alteration... just sayin'.

Badness on the web #7- rapping (!?!) All I Do is Click

So, um... sometimes this 'job' has its pitfalls- when folks find-out about this blog, they often recommend things to me that warrant 'appreciation'... this is one such gem...

It should be stated for the record that while the message (auto safety) is a good one, the delivery is annoying and could have been wrapped (teehee) in 1:30 (instead of the 3:00 + minutes that you'll never get back), to say nothing of the poor video quality and deeply questionable monikers that these young fellers took on in their 'rap' personae. At any rate: this YouTube video is there for the... um, something.

Just in case there are those among you who think that we're just beating-up on novelty acts, here are some much, much (did I say much?) better examples: Lord of the Rhyme on YouTube, 'Antony Carmichael' rapping on Music 2000 from Look Around You (series II), and, from the same, 'Tony Rudd' singing Macadaynu, and, my current favorite, Money, Money, Money performing, "Getting Money with a Mouse and a Wacom Pen". There, see folks- it can be done (and in the case of the last video), with flourish and very well-incorporated visuals.

Yours merrily,
Bakagatsuru Eigo, the lesser

The number one comedy in America is...

This is more of a rant that it should be... rather than recommending 'so bad it's kinda good', these are more along the lines of 'danger, Will Robinson, danger, danger.' First off- have we lost our (collective) minds? Are we unable to distinguish good from, "Oh please kill me... so awful"? Are people looking to put me out of a job?!

This began some months ago after seeing Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Now let me say to begin- this movie looked terrible from the trailer, but I thought to myself, 'ohhh aren't we the arteeste? We refuse to see things that are popular...' Bad, bad decision. First, it was lazy... like it used EXTREME sports (only 5 years +/- after their peak, no less) as an excuse to bring in some 'X-treme' action to a movie about a chubby guy. No value judgment, but Kevin James is not Sammo Hung, so the director had to find some way of having action happen *around* the protagonist... here's a hint, that doesn't happen through osmosis, we see that he isn't doing the board stunts. The laziness results in shoehorning two separate films, into one that is less than the sum of its parts.

Hell, as I type, the anger at being snookered into watching this PoCoaR (piece of crap on a rock- Thank you S. F. Brian, for that evocative and ever useful descriptor)... shame. Even if it had been compelling, even if the 'twists' weren't visible from space, the simple fact that in one scene set in an 'empty' mall, you can see shoppers milling about behind some actors. Not panicked victims (as the 'plot' would have it), just regular shoppers who are standing around, looking at the lights, camera, action. Dammit, don't we have post houses now? How much is it to shoot a clean plate and do some digital fixing? AAArgh.

Curiously, that 'Mall Cop abomination' is a less offensive entry for me than the next and I'll tell you why- because if made me wonder WTF happened to a good writer/director. I'm talking here of Kevin Smith.

Now, if profanity isn't your thing, then you may not dig him, but I've been an unabashed fan of his for years and own many of his movies on DVD, and Zack and Miri Make a Porno got the shaft at the box office (see what we did there? Single entendre!!)- it happens outside of the 'Askewniverse' and is a sweet movie that is remarkably raunch-free (considering the title). Anyways, so Clerks II didn't really do anything for me, but whatever, diffen' strokes, right (RIP G. Coleman, BTW), and I haven't seen Jersey Girl yet (it's on the queue though).

Okay, now you may have guessed that the apple of my ire is Cop Out, an avoid at all costs debacle of a thing. How can you take a script from the 2008 'Black List' (the top unproduced film scripts of the year) an ever improving director, some appealing actors, Harold Faltermeyer (that right, cat who wrote "Alex F" and many iconic soundtracks from 1980's movies, came out of his self-imposed retirement to provide the score) and get this mess? The script was... well, we hope that it started to suck in turnaround- if this was the original draft, the world is a cold, frightening place.

Okay, so the execution was painful, the plot, contrived, the acting (mostly by the always mugging Tracy Morgan, though Sean William Scott and much of the cast of 'straight out of central casting' Latino heavies) was completely Over the Top too. Gah, blerhg, apoplexy... okay, medication, making better...

At any rate, alls I'm sayin' is, the next time you see a movie trailer that runs for a couple of weeks, then appears mostly unaltered save for a jovial announcer (sounding like he's mere moments from splitting his sides with laughter), stating, "The number 1 comedy (this is where the other alteration, a #1 Comedy imprint will appear somewhere, usually with a stamping sound) is..." there is no spoon, let alone funny.

Tempin' ain't easy

While I keeps it real (and Puffy, you know this) I do also have a strange aversion to losing Castle Vigor, not having enough gruel to feed the minions or running out of fuel while hither and yon in search of adventure. This means one thing- I must sully my hands with, for and in the acquisition of filthy lucre.

Since being 'down-sized/right-sized' (after 7 + years) from a position coordinating services for an 'at risk' population a couple of years ago, I've had some interesting forays into various realms. This has meant doing everything from working in a university library to spending two days blind-calling donors for a non-profit, to providing administrative support for lawyers, to spending time at a high school. Until recently, one believed that staying ethical barred entry into things governmental, now... not so much.

So far the most fascinating aspect of temping has proven the (in some cases) radical differences between cultures from site to site- the climate in one place may not prepare one, at all, for the next posting. After a while of being employed, I totally took0 the 'culture' or atmosphere of my long-term job for granted after a while- there were some demoralized/ing whingers, some young upbeat enthusiastic (bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, as they say) do-gooders and a range of temperaments in between. Despite adding and subtracting some, often strong, personalities, the overall umwelt didn't change that much- being thrust into different offices though, one sees all kinds o' things...

Just musing at this point as too many specifics may prove unfortunate, but I'm hoping to find a way to be generic enough to speak to a range of experiences... we'll see how effective that can be.

Just because there haven't been any posts lately...

Doesn't mean that there aren't (metric ass) ton(ne)s of badnesses floating about. As part of the tireless search for terrible, I've encountered some new 'martial' arts related stuff (some doozies in the sword-ish category in particular), a batch of movies, and a few random musings, including my ode to unemployment, "Tempin' Ain't Easy*". We'll try to be more productive soon because my backlog of notes is going to require devotion of a special room in Castle Vigor...

*If you don't get this reference, it is to a Big Daddy Kane album of the 80's, those halcyon days of hip-hop yore.

(Comic) Adaptations Gone Wrong #4

The Ottoman Empire once extended through an impressive swath of Europe, the Middle East and northern Africa. Now though, Turkey extends it's cultural reach not through persuasion or force of arms, but hilariously misguided movie mayhem*.

To wit- we are all familiar with The Man Who Saves the World (and the recently released sequel?!?), but did you know that there have been forays into the mighty world of superheroes too? Rejoice my friends, for this goes beyond mere awful to OMG!!WTF!! levels, or, as I like to think of it, my wheelhouse.

Our offering for this installment is - 3 Dev Adam (Three Mighty Men, aka Turkish Spider-man vs. Turkish Captain America) and it is a beaut. Take a Luchadore (Mexican masked wrestler), Captain America and Spider-Man, add a pinch of Turkish spin on these characters and a soupcon of WTF (Spidey is the villain, and a real psychopath in this)- stir, add 1973 and serve chilled. Are you dying to see this puppy? Well, thanks to our friends @ (the) Google, this is available online for free At This Link. Enjoy.


* Just be clear- we aren't singling-out Turkey, there is actually some amazing cinema coming out of there; as we all know, dreck is truly international transcending gender, class, race, ethnicity, language or location.

Watched on Fast Foward- The worst ones

I like movies, good or bad. Documentaries, speculative fiction, epic or intimate character pieces, as long as there is some effort at drawing the viewer into a compelling story, it'll probably seem worthwhile to invest at least some time. This comes up by way of saying that it is hard to make a film that has no redeeming features, but imagine for a moment an enterprise devoid of craft of any type (writing, acting, directing, cinematography, etc.). Not just laughably bad. Not lapses in artistic judgement. All bad with no good. Such movies do exist. These movies are actually worse than The Room, which despite various shortcomings is at least funny (if unintentionally so- in an MST3K kinda way)... we're talking just dismal.

The worst movies I've ever seen combines a lack of art or craft with many of the biggest tropes in pop-culture: serial killer's past justify/explain all, (in one case, that) Germans are, to a person and even now, unapologetic Nazis, women are to be coveted as fetishized sexual objects, and then are victims (either of circumstance or outright murder), oh, and children... a whole thing about 'the kids'...

So, what manages to bring so many exciting traits to one party? the first is a little gem from 2004 Murder-Set-Pieces. What makes the enterprise feel so awful is that it seems to aspire to more, but the writer/director is really, really bad as is the camera work, the acting, editing, music, ADR/foley... you name it, not good. Actually, this was so bad that I couldn't believe JUST how it was on FF, and so endeavored to watch it again... twice... unlike some pieces that have so many sublime subtexts that more time spent enhances the experience, this did not improve with subsequent viewings. You know that a thing is bad when one of the only defenses of (writer/director) Nick Palumbo's (the mind behind Nutbag) work on this can be, 'at least he shot it on film...' Whatever dude...

Tied with this for #1 stanank /waste of resources is Black Dahlia, a craptastic, shot-on-video, er... thing. Not to belabor the point, but the acting, dialogue and continuity in this are terrible, but the effect of the moving image is so overwhelmingly bad that it is hard not to focus (pun intended) on that aspect most prominently. But really, while the net effect of this movie was horrible, M-S-P still stand-out as being somehow, worse.

Based on these two selections, it would appear that I hate the horror genre, no, but they do represent how gore has taken prominance over atmosphere or creativity... They sum up what is most difficult to understand in creating something that requires as much time, money, effort and collaboration as filmmaking- why no one says to a director, "this looks like it is a dung heap." Ah well, without misguided souls, I'd run out of stuff to watch.

(Comic) Adaptations Gone Wrong/Nihon 'n On

So, um, the 1970's were kinda weird... in Japan, it was even more so. As testament to this, I will simply offer this series of questions:

1) How did Spider-man get his powers?
2) Whose death inspired his taking-up the mantle of 'superhero'?
3) Who is Spidey's greatest antagonist?

If you answered that Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive/genetically modified spider, that the murder of his uncle, Ben Parker, spurred him to act on the advice that, 'with great power comes great responsibility' and Doc Ock, Mysterio, the Green Goblin/Hobgoblin, or any other, you are just plain wrong. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 yen. No my friends, these answers may seem correct, but it is only because you don't know any better. And how could you? Without an understanding of the Spidermachine GP-7 & giant robot vs. monster action, how can you 'get it'?

Here, lovelies, is the real way to understand this character: Galia, an inhabitant of an alien world, Planet Spider, that was overrun and destroyed by the forces of the Tetsujuji (Iron Cross) Army under the direction of Monster Kyoju (Professor Monster, who, to quote Dave Chappelle, 'looks like a broke-ass' Dr. Doom) and his evil handmaiden/second-in-command, Amazoness (who is just broke-ass) while he was away exploring/warring in spaceship, Marveller. As any good lone survivor would, Galia makes haste to find Professor Monster and end his destructive shenanigans. Tracking the Iron Cross Army to Earth circa 1600 (in Japan, of course... for some reason, even aliens look Japanese), Galia is tricked into a cave where he remained trapped, but is able to survive for 378 years (give or take), thanks to the special properties of his Planet Spider blood.

This brings us to (then) modern Tokyo where Dr. Yamashiro, a famous scientist somehow pieces together that the Iron-Cross army is on earth and is plotting our destruction... (more like plodding 300 + years and jack-all to show for it, but we digress). So, the good Dr. Yamashiro has three children a son, a motorcross racer, Yamashiro Takuya, a daughter, who is a scientist in her own right, and a young child that we should just call McGuffin because of his penchant for getting into trouble and/or providing fodder for moral lessons (bullying is wrong, children!). Takuya has been experiencing strange sensations (that we later discover to be telepathic communication from Galia), but because he is naff and clueless, just figures that he'll get over whatever it may be.

Due to the importance of keeping secret their plans for world domination/destruction, Professor Monster sends Amazoness and some henchmen to dispatch Dr. Yamashiro. In this attack, young Takuya is severely injured, leaving him bleeding and in need of immediate help... so he follows the psychic link to Galia's cave. Long story short, the only way to save Takuya involves a transfusion of blood from Planet Spider via an (unbelievably conspicuous bracelet), not merely saving his life, but also providing super powers. This is where it should get good, yeah?

Well... so along with the standard spider powers (clinging to walls, shooting webs- sorry, 'spider-strings' or 'spider-net') he is also able to talk into his huge jewelry to call for 'Spider Machine GP-7', a mildly phallic flying car. And good thing too, as each episode features a the same formula- aKaiju battle, first between Spider-man and the Creature of the Week, then the CoTW grows to massive size. At this point, it is time to call in Marveller, who must transform into giant robot, Leopardon, who after a bit of foreplay, finally gets the money shot with the deadly combination of 'Arc Turn' followed by 'Sword of Vigor' (from which my own home takes its name). Whew, just thinking about it makes me tired, so without further ado- Japanese Spiderman (courtesy of the Marvel Comics website). Enjoy!

(Comic) Adaptations Gone Wrong #2

Staying with comics, you don't have to look very far to find some just terrible renderings of characters... especially when combined with that most odd of decades, the 1970's. Case in point courtesy of Youtube: the made for T.V. Movie (a pilot for a, thankfully, not picked-up series) Dr. Strange. Yes, that's Jessica Walter, matriarch of the Bluth family, yes, making it through this mishmash was painful. Yup, it had precious little to do with the comic source material, uh-huh, it was Clyde Kusatsu playing 'Wong' but no, its fine, no one will notice that he's of Japanese descent playing someone from China... yeah, 70's plus porn 'stache should equal excellent... what went wrong?

Funny I should ask, because the next offerings will combine lots of questionable influences to create what Dave Bowman would call, "Something wonderful."

The Hero with 1000 Faces (of embarrassment)...

Since the dawn of human civilization, we have found ways of creating stories to: explain what we don't yet understand, provide comfort, softening the pain of our confusion, and, just plain entertain. Every once in a while, we as a species manage to invent some amazing new means of transmitting these story ideas, fireside recountings, painting, written language, woodblock prints, Gutenberg's movable-type printing press, daguerreotypes, telegraph, the phonograph, motion pictures, telephones, talkies, radio, color photography (and movies) videography, cellular phones, the interwebs, etc.

Thanks to advent of rail, massive mill operations to create paper, inexpensive labor, and presses, rising literacy rates primed markets for the written word- newspapers and 'pulp' magazines became staples of life during and after the Industrial Revolution. All of this coupled with the collapse of the world economy, by the 1930's, America was ready for the first proper 'Superhero' Comic Book (made possible by a then, nearly 500 year-old technology- the printing press). This new medium allowed for all sorts of tales of daring do; suddenly heroes from pre-sound motion pictures and radio programs could be rendered in dazzling color (at least on the covers). Which brings us to the evolution of almost universally recognizable modern mythologies.

Often influenced by classical myth and legend, these modern heroes usually feature some extraordinary gift, whether strength, agility, wisdom, just plain chutzpah, they battle the demons of our collective sub/unconscious. Characters, especially 'superheroes,' began as very simple, straightforward representations of goodness. Not a lot of shades of grey, not so much with the moral ambiguity... until the 1960's, when characters began to reflect the chaotic internal struggles that most now associate with the genre.

So now, you are probably saying to yourself, 'thanks for the lecture Perfesser Jerkface, quit the James Burke routine and make with the funny..."

Alright, let's jump to adaptations- from shortly after 'Superman's first appearance, Hollywood has been taking these characters and rendering them to screens, big and small. Some are successful as art and commerce, others do one or the other, and then, there are some that can't seem to win at all. This, fair reader, is what brings us here today, to find examples of some craptastic adaptations. Let us begin with an iconic character, one created in 1941. He fought the Axis powers on behalf of the Allies as a great symbol of the American ideal(ism), then disappeared, only to be brought back to life by Marvel Comics in the 1960's. We refer, of course, to Captain America.

With a major movie set to begin production in June, what better way to begin our discussion of unsuccessful superhero movies, let us go to HULU to find the glory from 1990- courtesy of the man who brought you Kickboxer 2 & 4: Captain America. A more constructive critic would ask questions about what went wrong, how this could have been improved, etc., but as you noted above, I'm stickin' to the funny, so nach, enjoy it.

Badness on the Web - #6 NSFW

(For those of you not in the know, that means that the link below is Not Safe For Work- e. g. contains nudity, coarse language, graphic depictions of violence, etc.).

There is much happiness and rejoicing, from the valleys to the peak of Mount Stremph- last week, I was joined in holy matrimony to a good human.

But life cannot be all roses, where there is a yin, there must be a yang and vice versa... always balance, and seeing as we've just been made aware of this "trailer" the timing is fortuitous. As a bit of preparation, the story (as we understand it):
One of the most critically reviled films of all time finally has a sequel! Showgirls 2- A Story of Hope will... something and... er... that other thing... to heck with it, enjoy.

Badness on the Web - #5

Not content to leave just one example of awful music videos, here is the queen of bad:

Florence Foster Jenkins performing Queen of the Night (from Mozart's the Magic Flute). Self-promotion/delusion coupled with an inheritance = FFJ. Inimitable indeed. As a baby and young child my parents owned, "The Glory Of The Human Voice" on vinyl... that, whippersnappers, was when we used to listen to (rather than scratching-up) our records. At any rate, growing up on the rocky outcroppings of Mount Stremp, selling religious icons to pilgrims by day, being lulled to sleep by the dulcet tones of FFJ by nigh... wait a minute- it's all starting to make sense now... no wonder the Eigo family is so... interesting...

For a more modern flair, this strain of, 'Self-invented Performer' can be seen lots today (due to the democratization of technology allowing anyone with access to reach a mass audience in ways inconceivable only decades ago- there is no way that this blog would exist if it were in print, or any other media... just too expensive; here though, we inconvenience some electrons and bingo) sometimes, this produces greatness and exposes us to heretofore unknown talents (like Tay Zonday... don't hate). Then again, there's this:
Jan Terri. To be fair, she... um... videos...? Long time ago? [cricket] alrighty then-
Jan Terri on Youtube. If I may suggest- Losing You as an hors d' oeuvre, perhaps a lovely Rock and Roll Santa for the entree, and for dessert, you probably want to sample the Journey to Mars.

So, are these cautionary tales of aspiring performers whose reach simply exceeds their grasp, or something more? What does it say about us? Is schedenfreude the only reason to find performers of this caliber intriguing? That dear readers must be left to you to decide...

Badness on the Web - #4

This happens to be really, really bad. Like awful. Like, I want my money back... and I watched it for free... just bad.

Anyway, without further ado, please join me in witnessing the horror that is:
Thanks To Our Friends by Blind Sensation. Now, if the waves of, "mmm, what's that taste? Could that be the worst song from a German band since the Scorpions stopped 'Rocking Me Like a Hurricane?" are done sweeping over you like a tsunami, let's add to it the band name*. Is it cool to make fun of the disabled? No? Yeah, but what if they're German? No, not just German, but Bavarian? Oh, okay, sure, why didn't ya say so?!

The shame (or, if you wanna join the Eigo family picnic in jigoku, irony) of this video is that it is visually very attractive. The story is a bit muddled (and I gave-up because of the music), but the shots are composed well and it is interesting to look at... it might be worth a try w/no sound on... but not now. Note to self- enough making fun of former Axis powers... Achtung baby.

*According to the note on the linked page, 3 of the four band members are visually impaired. What the note doesn't say is that the singer must have developed a rare but deadly allergy to harmony, pitch and timbre. I can't sing a lick but can hear bad, and cousin bidness is a boomin' with this.

Nihon n' on- 2

As mentioned before, the love/hate relationship with foreign culture in Japan can be summed-up by this old, but still amazing, website: Engrish. While the waters are muddied somewhat by the fact that products and photos from China (and to a lesser extent, Korea) are represented, the origins were tied very specifically to Japan.

Most of Engrish represents poor translations, misuse of loan words and a general 'devil may care' attitude- some of that is because use of non-native words make products look or sound 'cool.' Others represent a more vexing, lazy and arrogant, approach, one that implies that there is no need to have a native speaker check text before printing/manufacturing (though to be fair, that seems more a problem w/modern Chinese-made goods)...

Nihon n' on

I am a multi-interested nerd (like a polymath, only not awesome). Science, film, music and lots of other things have proven sources of research/fascination/procrastinating. One of the longest-standing areas of interest has been Japanese culture.

It is amazing to me that after centuries of feudalism (guaranteed by a series of policies handed-down from the Tokugawa Junta that restricted exposure to 'foreign' ideas and goods for most of the population- this lasted for more than 200 years) this tiny island nation modernized, survived a crushing defeat (that included the only wartime nuclear deployment in human history) and still came back as a major research and financial power.

One can easily argue that the path has been fraught and is still a work in progress (as a still mostly homogeneous society, treats some international influences as desirable and exotic while individuals can experience xenophobia that is overwhelming, and the police response to crime tends to be, 'must be gaijin'), the combination, and sometimes juxtaposition, of ancient and modern, indigenous and foreign makes for interesting stuff, including some amazing films.

But what is the mandate of this blog? Ah yeah, the bad, so here is the trailer to cinematic gold. From the opening moments of mumbled English(ish) V.O. and a knock-off of the theme from 'Live and Let Die' we learn about the deadly tools of Robogeisha including 'Tengu Milk' and the most feared of all- 'Fried Shrimp.' Yup, lots and lots of material there for someone to look at Japan and wonder WT everlivin' F? Well, um... see, in a country with Lobster vending machines, we may get some sense of the various directions the society is being pulled... but whoa, Nelly there is much, much more to come...

Watched on Fast Foward 2010- #1

Happy New Year one and all.

The holiday season brought many tidings of joy and goodness- it also offered opportunities to bear witness to awesome exercises in filmic badness. One in particular that stands out- Santa's Slay.

In case you are unfamiliar with the specific ouvre you are probably at least aware of the genre... the evil, bad and naughty version of Santa Claus; the unique spin here is that rather than simply being a mentally ill spree killer ala this guy (from the immortal, Silent Night, Deadly Night II), Santa is a demon. And by demon, of course we mean son of Satan, tricked into doing good for the children of Earth for 1000 years... and guess what?? (Shock, horror?!) the night the movie is set, Santa's 'contract' is up, which frees him to get back to killing (in gory ways whenever possible, though to his credit, he is sensitive enough to victims' religious beliefs to use celebratory/ritual objects in their murders, so if you started this movie wondering what Saul Rubinek's character, Mr. Green, would look like impaled on a menorah, the filmmakers were considerate enough to just go ahead and show us, aw, thanks Santy!).

It is hard to imagine quite how this was envisioned- as a star vehicle for a former WWE personality (Goldberg), a spoof of killer Santa movies, an opportunity to see Robert Culp again (I Spy reunion show and reruns of this not withstanding), something(s) else, or a combination... the good news, it doesn't matter. The net effect is of a campy gorefest. If you dig that kinda thing, this will be for you... if not, er... well, yeah.