The Ottoman Empire once extended through an impressive swath of Europe, the Middle East and northern Africa. Now though, Turkey extends it's cultural reach not through persuasion or force of arms, but hilariously misguided movie mayhem*.
To wit- we are all familiar with The Man Who Saves the World (and the recently released sequel?!?), but did you know that there have been forays into the mighty world of superheroes too? Rejoice my friends, for this goes beyond mere awful to OMG!!WTF!! levels, or, as I like to think of it, my wheelhouse.
Our offering for this installment is - 3 Dev Adam (Three Mighty Men, aka Turkish Spider-man vs. Turkish Captain America) and it is a beaut. Take a Luchadore (Mexican masked wrestler), Captain America and Spider-Man, add a pinch of Turkish spin on these characters and a soupcon of WTF (Spidey is the villain, and a real psychopath in this)- stir, add 1973 and serve chilled. Are you dying to see this puppy? Well, thanks to our friends @ (the) Google, this is available online for free At This Link. Enjoy.
* Just be clear- we aren't singling-out Turkey, there is actually some amazing cinema coming out of there; as we all know, dreck is truly international transcending gender, class, race, ethnicity, language or location.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Watched on Fast Foward- The worst ones
I like movies, good or bad. Documentaries, speculative fiction, epic or intimate character pieces, as long as there is some effort at drawing the viewer into a compelling story, it'll probably seem worthwhile to invest at least some time. This comes up by way of saying that it is hard to make a film that has no redeeming features, but imagine for a moment an enterprise devoid of craft of any type (writing, acting, directing, cinematography, etc.). Not just laughably bad. Not lapses in artistic judgement. All bad with no good. Such movies do exist. These movies are actually worse than The Room, which despite various shortcomings is at least funny (if unintentionally so- in an MST3K kinda way)... we're talking just dismal.
The worst movies I've ever seen combines a lack of art or craft with many of the biggest tropes in pop-culture: serial killer's past justify/explain all, (in one case, that) Germans are, to a person and even now, unapologetic Nazis, women are to be coveted as fetishized sexual objects, and then are victims (either of circumstance or outright murder), oh, and children... a whole thing about 'the kids'...
So, what manages to bring so many exciting traits to one party? the first is a little gem from 2004 Murder-Set-Pieces. What makes the enterprise feel so awful is that it seems to aspire to more, but the writer/director is really, really bad as is the camera work, the acting, editing, music, ADR/foley... you name it, not good. Actually, this was so bad that I couldn't believe JUST how it was on FF, and so endeavored to watch it again... twice... unlike some pieces that have so many sublime subtexts that more time spent enhances the experience, this did not improve with subsequent viewings. You know that a thing is bad when one of the only defenses of (writer/director) Nick Palumbo's (the mind behind Nutbag) work on this can be, 'at least he shot it on film...' Whatever dude...
Tied with this for #1 stanank /waste of resources is Black Dahlia, a craptastic, shot-on-video, er... thing. Not to belabor the point, but the acting, dialogue and continuity in this are terrible, but the effect of the moving image is so overwhelmingly bad that it is hard not to focus (pun intended) on that aspect most prominently. But really, while the net effect of this movie was horrible, M-S-P still stand-out as being somehow, worse.
Based on these two selections, it would appear that I hate the horror genre, no, but they do represent how gore has taken prominance over atmosphere or creativity... They sum up what is most difficult to understand in creating something that requires as much time, money, effort and collaboration as filmmaking- why no one says to a director, "this looks like it is a dung heap." Ah well, without misguided souls, I'd run out of stuff to watch.
The worst movies I've ever seen combines a lack of art or craft with many of the biggest tropes in pop-culture: serial killer's past justify/explain all, (in one case, that) Germans are, to a person and even now, unapologetic Nazis, women are to be coveted as fetishized sexual objects, and then are victims (either of circumstance or outright murder), oh, and children... a whole thing about 'the kids'...
So, what manages to bring so many exciting traits to one party? the first is a little gem from 2004 Murder-Set-Pieces. What makes the enterprise feel so awful is that it seems to aspire to more, but the writer/director is really, really bad as is the camera work, the acting, editing, music, ADR/foley... you name it, not good. Actually, this was so bad that I couldn't believe JUST how it was on FF, and so endeavored to watch it again... twice... unlike some pieces that have so many sublime subtexts that more time spent enhances the experience, this did not improve with subsequent viewings. You know that a thing is bad when one of the only defenses of (writer/director) Nick Palumbo's (the mind behind Nutbag) work on this can be, 'at least he shot it on film...' Whatever dude...
Tied with this for #1 stanank /waste of resources is Black Dahlia, a craptastic, shot-on-video, er... thing. Not to belabor the point, but the acting, dialogue and continuity in this are terrible, but the effect of the moving image is so overwhelmingly bad that it is hard not to focus (pun intended) on that aspect most prominently. But really, while the net effect of this movie was horrible, M-S-P still stand-out as being somehow, worse.
Based on these two selections, it would appear that I hate the horror genre, no, but they do represent how gore has taken prominance over atmosphere or creativity... They sum up what is most difficult to understand in creating something that requires as much time, money, effort and collaboration as filmmaking- why no one says to a director, "this looks like it is a dung heap." Ah well, without misguided souls, I'd run out of stuff to watch.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
(Comic) Adaptations Gone Wrong/Nihon 'n On
So, um, the 1970's were kinda weird... in Japan, it was even more so. As testament to this, I will simply offer this series of questions:
1) How did Spider-man get his powers?
2) Whose death inspired his taking-up the mantle of 'superhero'?
3) Who is Spidey's greatest antagonist?
If you answered that Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive/genetically modified spider, that the murder of his uncle, Ben Parker, spurred him to act on the advice that, 'with great power comes great responsibility' and Doc Ock, Mysterio, the Green Goblin/Hobgoblin, or any other, you are just plain wrong. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 yen. No my friends, these answers may seem correct, but it is only because you don't know any better. And how could you? Without an understanding of the Spidermachine GP-7 & giant robot vs. monster action, how can you 'get it'?
Here, lovelies, is the real way to understand this character: Galia, an inhabitant of an alien world, Planet Spider, that was overrun and destroyed by the forces of the Tetsujuji (Iron Cross) Army under the direction of Monster Kyoju (Professor Monster, who, to quote Dave Chappelle, 'looks like a broke-ass' Dr. Doom) and his evil handmaiden/second-in-command, Amazoness (who is just broke-ass) while he was away exploring/warring in spaceship, Marveller. As any good lone survivor would, Galia makes haste to find Professor Monster and end his destructive shenanigans. Tracking the Iron Cross Army to Earth circa 1600 (in Japan, of course... for some reason, even aliens look Japanese), Galia is tricked into a cave where he remained trapped, but is able to survive for 378 years (give or take), thanks to the special properties of his Planet Spider blood.
This brings us to (then) modern Tokyo where Dr. Yamashiro, a famous scientist somehow pieces together that the Iron-Cross army is on earth and is plotting our destruction... (more like plodding 300 + years and jack-all to show for it, but we digress). So, the good Dr. Yamashiro has three children a son, a motorcross racer, Yamashiro Takuya, a daughter, who is a scientist in her own right, and a young child that we should just call McGuffin because of his penchant for getting into trouble and/or providing fodder for moral lessons (bullying is wrong, children!). Takuya has been experiencing strange sensations (that we later discover to be telepathic communication from Galia), but because he is naff and clueless, just figures that he'll get over whatever it may be.
Due to the importance of keeping secret their plans for world domination/destruction, Professor Monster sends Amazoness and some henchmen to dispatch Dr. Yamashiro. In this attack, young Takuya is severely injured, leaving him bleeding and in need of immediate help... so he follows the psychic link to Galia's cave. Long story short, the only way to save Takuya involves a transfusion of blood from Planet Spider via an (unbelievably conspicuous bracelet), not merely saving his life, but also providing super powers. This is where it should get good, yeah?
Well... so along with the standard spider powers (clinging to walls, shooting webs- sorry, 'spider-strings' or 'spider-net') he is also able to talk into his huge jewelry to call for 'Spider Machine GP-7', a mildly phallic flying car. And good thing too, as each episode features a the same formula- aKaiju battle, first between Spider-man and the Creature of the Week, then the CoTW grows to massive size. At this point, it is time to call in Marveller, who must transform into giant robot, Leopardon, who after a bit of foreplay, finally gets the money shot with the deadly combination of 'Arc Turn' followed by 'Sword of Vigor' (from which my own home takes its name). Whew, just thinking about it makes me tired, so without further ado- Japanese Spiderman (courtesy of the Marvel Comics website). Enjoy!
1) How did Spider-man get his powers?
2) Whose death inspired his taking-up the mantle of 'superhero'?
3) Who is Spidey's greatest antagonist?
If you answered that Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive/genetically modified spider, that the murder of his uncle, Ben Parker, spurred him to act on the advice that, 'with great power comes great responsibility' and Doc Ock, Mysterio, the Green Goblin/Hobgoblin, or any other, you are just plain wrong. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 yen. No my friends, these answers may seem correct, but it is only because you don't know any better. And how could you? Without an understanding of the Spidermachine GP-7 & giant robot vs. monster action, how can you 'get it'?
Here, lovelies, is the real way to understand this character: Galia, an inhabitant of an alien world, Planet Spider, that was overrun and destroyed by the forces of the Tetsujuji (Iron Cross) Army under the direction of Monster Kyoju (Professor Monster, who, to quote Dave Chappelle, 'looks like a broke-ass' Dr. Doom) and his evil handmaiden/second-in-command, Amazoness (who is just broke-ass) while he was away exploring/warring in spaceship, Marveller. As any good lone survivor would, Galia makes haste to find Professor Monster and end his destructive shenanigans. Tracking the Iron Cross Army to Earth circa 1600 (in Japan, of course... for some reason, even aliens look Japanese), Galia is tricked into a cave where he remained trapped, but is able to survive for 378 years (give or take), thanks to the special properties of his Planet Spider blood.
This brings us to (then) modern Tokyo where Dr. Yamashiro, a famous scientist somehow pieces together that the Iron-Cross army is on earth and is plotting our destruction... (more like plodding 300 + years and jack-all to show for it, but we digress). So, the good Dr. Yamashiro has three children a son, a motorcross racer, Yamashiro Takuya, a daughter, who is a scientist in her own right, and a young child that we should just call McGuffin because of his penchant for getting into trouble and/or providing fodder for moral lessons (bullying is wrong, children!). Takuya has been experiencing strange sensations (that we later discover to be telepathic communication from Galia), but because he is naff and clueless, just figures that he'll get over whatever it may be.
Due to the importance of keeping secret their plans for world domination/destruction, Professor Monster sends Amazoness and some henchmen to dispatch Dr. Yamashiro. In this attack, young Takuya is severely injured, leaving him bleeding and in need of immediate help... so he follows the psychic link to Galia's cave. Long story short, the only way to save Takuya involves a transfusion of blood from Planet Spider via an (unbelievably conspicuous bracelet), not merely saving his life, but also providing super powers. This is where it should get good, yeah?
Well... so along with the standard spider powers (clinging to walls, shooting webs- sorry, 'spider-strings' or 'spider-net') he is also able to talk into his huge jewelry to call for 'Spider Machine GP-7', a mildly phallic flying car. And good thing too, as each episode features a the same formula- aKaiju battle, first between Spider-man and the Creature of the Week, then the CoTW grows to massive size. At this point, it is time to call in Marveller, who must transform into giant robot, Leopardon, who after a bit of foreplay, finally gets the money shot with the deadly combination of 'Arc Turn' followed by 'Sword of Vigor' (from which my own home takes its name). Whew, just thinking about it makes me tired, so without further ado- Japanese Spiderman (courtesy of the Marvel Comics website). Enjoy!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
(Comic) Adaptations Gone Wrong #2
Staying with comics, you don't have to look very far to find some just terrible renderings of characters... especially when combined with that most odd of decades, the 1970's. Case in point courtesy of Youtube: the made for T.V. Movie (a pilot for a, thankfully, not picked-up series) Dr. Strange. Yes, that's Jessica Walter, matriarch of the Bluth family, yes, making it through this mishmash was painful. Yup, it had precious little to do with the comic source material, uh-huh, it was Clyde Kusatsu playing 'Wong' but no, its fine, no one will notice that he's of Japanese descent playing someone from China... yeah, 70's plus porn 'stache should equal excellent... what went wrong?
Funny I should ask, because the next offerings will combine lots of questionable influences to create what Dave Bowman would call, "Something wonderful."
Funny I should ask, because the next offerings will combine lots of questionable influences to create what Dave Bowman would call, "Something wonderful."
The Hero with 1000 Faces (of embarrassment)...
Since the dawn of human civilization, we have found ways of creating stories to: explain what we don't yet understand, provide comfort, softening the pain of our confusion, and, just plain entertain. Every once in a while, we as a species manage to invent some amazing new means of transmitting these story ideas, fireside recountings, painting, written language, woodblock prints, Gutenberg's movable-type printing press, daguerreotypes, telegraph, the phonograph, motion pictures, telephones, talkies, radio, color photography (and movies) videography, cellular phones, the interwebs, etc.
Thanks to advent of rail, massive mill operations to create paper, inexpensive labor, and presses, rising literacy rates primed markets for the written word- newspapers and 'pulp' magazines became staples of life during and after the Industrial Revolution. All of this coupled with the collapse of the world economy, by the 1930's, America was ready for the first proper 'Superhero' Comic Book (made possible by a then, nearly 500 year-old technology- the printing press). This new medium allowed for all sorts of tales of daring do; suddenly heroes from pre-sound motion pictures and radio programs could be rendered in dazzling color (at least on the covers). Which brings us to the evolution of almost universally recognizable modern mythologies.
Often influenced by classical myth and legend, these modern heroes usually feature some extraordinary gift, whether strength, agility, wisdom, just plain chutzpah, they battle the demons of our collective sub/unconscious. Characters, especially 'superheroes,' began as very simple, straightforward representations of goodness. Not a lot of shades of grey, not so much with the moral ambiguity... until the 1960's, when characters began to reflect the chaotic internal struggles that most now associate with the genre.
So now, you are probably saying to yourself, 'thanks for the lecture Perfesser Jerkface, quit the James Burke routine and make with the funny..."
Alright, let's jump to adaptations- from shortly after 'Superman's first appearance, Hollywood has been taking these characters and rendering them to screens, big and small. Some are successful as art and commerce, others do one or the other, and then, there are some that can't seem to win at all. This, fair reader, is what brings us here today, to find examples of some craptastic adaptations. Let us begin with an iconic character, one created in 1941. He fought the Axis powers on behalf of the Allies as a great symbol of the American ideal(ism), then disappeared, only to be brought back to life by Marvel Comics in the 1960's. We refer, of course, to Captain America.
With a major movie set to begin production in June, what better way to begin our discussion of unsuccessful superhero movies, let us go to HULU to find the glory from 1990- courtesy of the man who brought you Kickboxer 2 & 4: Captain America. A more constructive critic would ask questions about what went wrong, how this could have been improved, etc., but as you noted above, I'm stickin' to the funny, so nach, enjoy it.
Thanks to advent of rail, massive mill operations to create paper, inexpensive labor, and presses, rising literacy rates primed markets for the written word- newspapers and 'pulp' magazines became staples of life during and after the Industrial Revolution. All of this coupled with the collapse of the world economy, by the 1930's, America was ready for the first proper 'Superhero' Comic Book (made possible by a then, nearly 500 year-old technology- the printing press). This new medium allowed for all sorts of tales of daring do; suddenly heroes from pre-sound motion pictures and radio programs could be rendered in dazzling color (at least on the covers). Which brings us to the evolution of almost universally recognizable modern mythologies.
Often influenced by classical myth and legend, these modern heroes usually feature some extraordinary gift, whether strength, agility, wisdom, just plain chutzpah, they battle the demons of our collective sub/unconscious. Characters, especially 'superheroes,' began as very simple, straightforward representations of goodness. Not a lot of shades of grey, not so much with the moral ambiguity... until the 1960's, when characters began to reflect the chaotic internal struggles that most now associate with the genre.
So now, you are probably saying to yourself, 'thanks for the lecture Perfesser Jerkface, quit the James Burke routine and make with the funny..."
Alright, let's jump to adaptations- from shortly after 'Superman's first appearance, Hollywood has been taking these characters and rendering them to screens, big and small. Some are successful as art and commerce, others do one or the other, and then, there are some that can't seem to win at all. This, fair reader, is what brings us here today, to find examples of some craptastic adaptations. Let us begin with an iconic character, one created in 1941. He fought the Axis powers on behalf of the Allies as a great symbol of the American ideal(ism), then disappeared, only to be brought back to life by Marvel Comics in the 1960's. We refer, of course, to Captain America.
With a major movie set to begin production in June, what better way to begin our discussion of unsuccessful superhero movies, let us go to HULU to find the glory from 1990- courtesy of the man who brought you Kickboxer 2 & 4: Captain America. A more constructive critic would ask questions about what went wrong, how this could have been improved, etc., but as you noted above, I'm stickin' to the funny, so nach, enjoy it.
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