The Hero with 1000 Faces (of embarrassment)...

Since the dawn of human civilization, we have found ways of creating stories to: explain what we don't yet understand, provide comfort, softening the pain of our confusion, and, just plain entertain. Every once in a while, we as a species manage to invent some amazing new means of transmitting these story ideas, fireside recountings, painting, written language, woodblock prints, Gutenberg's movable-type printing press, daguerreotypes, telegraph, the phonograph, motion pictures, telephones, talkies, radio, color photography (and movies) videography, cellular phones, the interwebs, etc.

Thanks to advent of rail, massive mill operations to create paper, inexpensive labor, and presses, rising literacy rates primed markets for the written word- newspapers and 'pulp' magazines became staples of life during and after the Industrial Revolution. All of this coupled with the collapse of the world economy, by the 1930's, America was ready for the first proper 'Superhero' Comic Book (made possible by a then, nearly 500 year-old technology- the printing press). This new medium allowed for all sorts of tales of daring do; suddenly heroes from pre-sound motion pictures and radio programs could be rendered in dazzling color (at least on the covers). Which brings us to the evolution of almost universally recognizable modern mythologies.

Often influenced by classical myth and legend, these modern heroes usually feature some extraordinary gift, whether strength, agility, wisdom, just plain chutzpah, they battle the demons of our collective sub/unconscious. Characters, especially 'superheroes,' began as very simple, straightforward representations of goodness. Not a lot of shades of grey, not so much with the moral ambiguity... until the 1960's, when characters began to reflect the chaotic internal struggles that most now associate with the genre.

So now, you are probably saying to yourself, 'thanks for the lecture Perfesser Jerkface, quit the James Burke routine and make with the funny..."

Alright, let's jump to adaptations- from shortly after 'Superman's first appearance, Hollywood has been taking these characters and rendering them to screens, big and small. Some are successful as art and commerce, others do one or the other, and then, there are some that can't seem to win at all. This, fair reader, is what brings us here today, to find examples of some craptastic adaptations. Let us begin with an iconic character, one created in 1941. He fought the Axis powers on behalf of the Allies as a great symbol of the American ideal(ism), then disappeared, only to be brought back to life by Marvel Comics in the 1960's. We refer, of course, to Captain America.

With a major movie set to begin production in June, what better way to begin our discussion of unsuccessful superhero movies, let us go to HULU to find the glory from 1990- courtesy of the man who brought you Kickboxer 2 & 4: Captain America. A more constructive critic would ask questions about what went wrong, how this could have been improved, etc., but as you noted above, I'm stickin' to the funny, so nach, enjoy it.