(Comic) Adaptations Gone Wrong/Nihon 'n On

So, um, the 1970's were kinda weird... in Japan, it was even more so. As testament to this, I will simply offer this series of questions:

1) How did Spider-man get his powers?
2) Whose death inspired his taking-up the mantle of 'superhero'?
3) Who is Spidey's greatest antagonist?

If you answered that Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive/genetically modified spider, that the murder of his uncle, Ben Parker, spurred him to act on the advice that, 'with great power comes great responsibility' and Doc Ock, Mysterio, the Green Goblin/Hobgoblin, or any other, you are just plain wrong. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 yen. No my friends, these answers may seem correct, but it is only because you don't know any better. And how could you? Without an understanding of the Spidermachine GP-7 & giant robot vs. monster action, how can you 'get it'?

Here, lovelies, is the real way to understand this character: Galia, an inhabitant of an alien world, Planet Spider, that was overrun and destroyed by the forces of the Tetsujuji (Iron Cross) Army under the direction of Monster Kyoju (Professor Monster, who, to quote Dave Chappelle, 'looks like a broke-ass' Dr. Doom) and his evil handmaiden/second-in-command, Amazoness (who is just broke-ass) while he was away exploring/warring in spaceship, Marveller. As any good lone survivor would, Galia makes haste to find Professor Monster and end his destructive shenanigans. Tracking the Iron Cross Army to Earth circa 1600 (in Japan, of course... for some reason, even aliens look Japanese), Galia is tricked into a cave where he remained trapped, but is able to survive for 378 years (give or take), thanks to the special properties of his Planet Spider blood.

This brings us to (then) modern Tokyo where Dr. Yamashiro, a famous scientist somehow pieces together that the Iron-Cross army is on earth and is plotting our destruction... (more like plodding 300 + years and jack-all to show for it, but we digress). So, the good Dr. Yamashiro has three children a son, a motorcross racer, Yamashiro Takuya, a daughter, who is a scientist in her own right, and a young child that we should just call McGuffin because of his penchant for getting into trouble and/or providing fodder for moral lessons (bullying is wrong, children!). Takuya has been experiencing strange sensations (that we later discover to be telepathic communication from Galia), but because he is naff and clueless, just figures that he'll get over whatever it may be.

Due to the importance of keeping secret their plans for world domination/destruction, Professor Monster sends Amazoness and some henchmen to dispatch Dr. Yamashiro. In this attack, young Takuya is severely injured, leaving him bleeding and in need of immediate help... so he follows the psychic link to Galia's cave. Long story short, the only way to save Takuya involves a transfusion of blood from Planet Spider via an (unbelievably conspicuous bracelet), not merely saving his life, but also providing super powers. This is where it should get good, yeah?

Well... so along with the standard spider powers (clinging to walls, shooting webs- sorry, 'spider-strings' or 'spider-net') he is also able to talk into his huge jewelry to call for 'Spider Machine GP-7', a mildly phallic flying car. And good thing too, as each episode features a the same formula- aKaiju battle, first between Spider-man and the Creature of the Week, then the CoTW grows to massive size. At this point, it is time to call in Marveller, who must transform into giant robot, Leopardon, who after a bit of foreplay, finally gets the money shot with the deadly combination of 'Arc Turn' followed by 'Sword of Vigor' (from which my own home takes its name). Whew, just thinking about it makes me tired, so without further ado- Japanese Spiderman (courtesy of the Marvel Comics website). Enjoy!